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Honest Conversations Without Harm

Giving good and honest feedback is one of the most valuable skills a leader can develop, but is also one of the most feared. Most people will avoid feedback altogether as they are worried about hurting peoples feelings or damaging relationships. This comes at a cost to other team members and likely the organisation through things like retention and culture.

But feedback, when delivered thoughtfully doesn't have to cause harm - in fact, it can be one of the most powerful tools for growth, trust and team alignment.
What is the cost of avoidance?
What is the cost of avoidance?

  • Silence often leads to confusion, resentment, or repeated issues.

  • People can't improve what they don't know.

  • Honest conversations are how cultures mature and trust builds.

"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind" Brene Brown

Things to consider


Usually feedback is given by a direct line manager. My ethos is always that if you have taken the time to build a relationship with your direct team, it is much easier to give feedback. Taking this time can pay dividends in the future and really, it's about truly caring for someone that you are able to be honest with them and therefore kind. Brené Brown describes in her book that being unclear in feedback is actually unkind to the individual and sets them up to fail. In short, be kind, be clear and care about the person in front of you.




The 3-Part Framework for Honest, Helpful Feedback

  1. Prepare with purpose

    Ask yourself:

    • What is the intention behind this feedback?

    • What change or outcome are you hoping that the individual takes away?

    • Am I in a clear, calm state to give this?

    Tips:

    • Stick to observable behaviour, not assumptions or labels. For example, "you are always dismissive." vs "In the meeting yesterday, you were on your phone during an important discussion."

    • Ensure feedback is timely - there is no point giving feedback to someone months after it has happened.

  2. Share with structure

    • Use the CARE formula by Ron Meyer:

    • Context - Set the scene. "In yesterdays meeting..."

    • Action - Describe the behaviour. "You interrupted a few times..."

    • Result - Explain the impact. "It made others hesitant to contribute."

    • Engage - Invite their perspective. "What was going on from your side?"

    Tips:

    • Use "I" statements and stay curious, not accusatory.

    • Use questions to understand

  3. Follow up with support

    • Ask how you can support them moving forward.

    • Set check-ins if needed. Feedback is a process, not a one-time event.

    • Acknowledge progress when you see it - positive reinforcement matters.


    Things to avoid

    • Vague generalisations: "You're always unprepared."

    • Personal attacks or assumptions: "You really don't care."

    • Feedback bombs where you drop everything at once.

    • Stay away from what is right or wrong, as feedback is not about right or wrong, but supporting someone to see different perspectives or insights.


Book Recommendations

If this is an area you are looking to develop these books have been useful to me:


Courageous Conversations Build Culture

Honest feedback does not have to be brutal - just brave. When done with clarity and care, it becomes a foundation for trust, accountability and shared success.



References:

Meyer, R. (2024). Duty of Care Feedback Model. [online] Tias.edu. Available at: https://www.tias.edu/en/news-and-articles/item/duty-of-care-feedback-model [Accessed 3 May 2025].

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